Shopping Debuggy

"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch) 12/18/2015 at 11:34 • Filed to: shopping carts, briggs & stratton, devo

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“The moms of soccer are yelling to me, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! ,” said Mr. Cho, grimacing, pronouncing soccer with a hard K . “In home country, soccer mom are happy to have all organs.” I was never able to figure out just what Cho’s “home country” was, but over the years I came to believe it was some lab-cooked hybrid between Afghanistan and an open-pit mine that extracts only human misery.

I sat behind my ornate cherrywood - at least I think that’s what Ikea named it - desk in the office of my solo engineering consultancy, and I considered the ceiling fan and Mr. Cho equally for a minute. Both of them consisted mainly of sharp blades that posed physical threat to my body around a central shaft. I took a little bit too long, and Cho clicked the stop button on my tape player, interrupting the early strains of Devo’s latest. Mr. Cho had no time for music, because it was hard to stir the soul and someone’s kidneys with a paint mixer drill at the same time.

“You will make better-handling shop cart,” he said flatly, without affect, jabbing at my face now with one of his artificially shortened index fingers.

I began to speak, perhaps to negotiate a contract or some kind of payment, but I was outplayed. Mr. Cho spun on his heel and was gone from my humble office like a hot dog fired from a Nerf rifle. I made a mental note to work on my metaphors, and when I was done, I looked out the window to also see his gently shopworn ‘93 RS America had already departed the modest parking lot.

Months passed. Hundreds of interviews with concerned soccer moms, parents’ safety groups, suspension engineers. I visited autocrosses for background research. At last I had a plan, and it was pretty good timing too, as Mr. Cho would reappear as suddenly as ever in my office, demanding results. Now was my time to shine.

“Ah, Mr. Cho,” I said, unfolding from my desk chair like the threat display of a spider, “I have found the answer to your problems. Tell me, have you ever heard of throttle steer ?”

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 12/18/2015 at 11:43

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We need our shopping carts to be powered by superbike engines.

Seat Safety Switch > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 12/18/2015 at 11:46

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America is at a crossroads. In numbers never before seen, today’s millennials are abandoning the humble two-stroke thumper for engines containing two, three, even four cylinders.

This has to stop, and as acting director of Briggs & Stratton, I say we draw the line in the sand today.

Starting immediately, we are launching a series of Intek-powered shopping carts with lake pipes and small-bore turbochargers.

itschrome > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 12/18/2015 at 11:47

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bah, I want twin turbo w12’s in mine please.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 12/18/2015 at 11:48

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That would have more than enough power to have some serious fun on the smooth tile floors.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > itschrome 12/18/2015 at 11:48

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It has to be usable for the children though.

Seat Safety Switch > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 12/18/2015 at 11:49

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Early customer testing has been positive. As a bonus, the hot exhaust manifold can be used to pre-braise the raw beef you pick up from the meat section, saving you valuable cooking time when you get home.

itschrome > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 12/18/2015 at 11:55

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hey, all they have to do is sit down and hold on, cause baby we’re going to the produce section and fast!

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Seat Safety Switch 12/18/2015 at 11:56

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Or just use the exhaust as sort of a warming drawer.

B/Xmrrmvr > Seat Safety Switch 12/18/2015 at 13:52

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I want whatever you’re smoking.

Seat Safety Switch > B/Xmrrmvr 12/18/2015 at 15:20

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Tires?

B/Xmrrmvr > Seat Safety Switch 12/18/2015 at 15:59

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Go on....

MHunter905 > Seat Safety Switch 01/04/2016 at 11:31

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“artificially shortened index fingers” lol wtf I love this

webmonkees > Seat Safety Switch 01/04/2016 at 12:37

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“Ah, Mr. Switch” I said, unfolding from my desk chair like the threat display of a spider,“I have found the answer to your problems. Tell me, have you ever heard of Stan Mott ?”